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Honesty is Not Always the Best Policy

We've been spending a lot of time filling out screening forms for next year for the kids. It's a tedious process. Especially because you have to figure out the best way to articulate truthful, but not alarming answers.

If we filled it out truthfully, they might call children's services. I think we can all agree that the thesaurus comes in handy during this exercise. I can't tell you the number of times I've looked up the word uncooperative searching for a more flattering description of my son's demeanor. Here's what I really want to say:

Please indicate your child's current grade level:

Third, but acts more like first.

Please list your child's favorite activities:

Building forts, setting booby traps for younger sisters, video game marathons, lighting farts on fire, watching YouTube (sorry about his language!), making coke/Mento volcanoes. Oh, and he loves whoopee out! :)

Describe your child as a learner:

Uncooperative, reluctant, lackadaisical, half-hearted. You know that scene in the movie Zootopia with the sloth? That's my kid!!

Describe how your child solves problems or perseveres through challenges:

Cursing (thanks YouTube!), throwing (and breaking) things, crying, stomping, whining, slamming doors. Just this morning he threw a baseball because his iPad wasn't loading fast enough and broke my favorite vase!

How does your child like to celebrate or be recognized for his/her successes?

He wears a crown and cape and insists we call him Lord Kaleb or Sir. He sits on a thrown and eats gallons of ice cream straight from the container followed by a neighborhood parade and mariachi band.

What method of behavior management works best for your child?

Who sees this form?

Is your child able to stay focused and on-task?

No. Unless he's playing video games in which case he can zone out for hours.

Does your child fidget and seem unable to sit still?

It's as if you have a crystal ball or something! He spins in circles when he talks, jumps while eating, and can't sit in one spot for more than thirty seconds (again, video games is an exception - there's a permanent ass print in my couch from that!)

Do you have any concerns about your home environment?

Why? Did somebody say something?

Does anyone in your household drink alcohol?

Never! We practice a weekly cleanse to keep impurities at bay.

Does your child eat a balanced diet and limit sugar intake?

Is this a trick question? No and no. He exists on a diet of Lucky Charms, Ritz crackers, gushers, Pringles, and Annie's mac 'n cheese in the purple box. And grape juice and candy. Be sure not to expose him to fruits or vegetables. He'll freak out.

Does your child get at least 30 minutes of exercise/physical activity each day?

Oh, yes. All that sugar keeps him pretty jacked up!

Special medical considerations? (allergies, special conditions, medications, glasses, hearing, etc.): I have a serious concern about his hearing. He only seems to hear certain words like candy and soccer. His memory is also a major problem. No matter how many times I tell him to pick up his dirty socks, I find them strewn about the house. Same with bringing plates to the sink, making his bed, and picking up toys. Oddly, he remembers every single lyric to that damn gummy bear song. Perhaps he should undergo testing to determine the cause of this disconnect.

Does your child take any medications?

Just a tranquilizer every now and then.

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