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Mom Brain

You guys are going to be so jealous of my morning. Wait for it...I got to retrieve wads of toilet paper from the toilet moments after one of the twins took a massive dump (how someone so small produces Elephant turds I'm not sure). To her credit, she clued me into the situation before she flushed but that's only because there have been multiple overflow situations recently so she knew the risk involved in pulling the trigger. I really thought I had drilled it into their heads the last time extreme amounts of toilet paper were used. ESPECIALLY since we are in the midst of a TP crisis!!! Oh what fun it was diving in, just a thin plastic bag the only thing separating my hand from human waste. As I disinfected the bathroom and my hands, I took stock of my life. Here I am, 42 years old finding great satisfaction in avoiding a toilet to overflow and marveling at a sparkling bathroom. This was a morning of achievement. So sad.

All moms feel this way, I know. We were cool once. We went to the gym and painted our nails. We wore high heels and jeans and drove cars that weren't mini vans. We didn't know what Magic Erasers were and if there was a barf bucket in the house it only made an appearance after a really epic party. If someone had told us then that our days would soon be filled with homemade Playdough pasta, disguising spinach in muffins, and pulling Skittles out of kids' noses, we would have run. Fast.

Social isolation has only exacerbated my feelings of motherhood despair. Don't get me wrong. I love my kids but being home with them 24/7 is starting to make me feel braindead. The other day, three of them were divvying up a box of Gushers, ensuring each of them was allocated one "good" flavor and one "not so popular" flavor. There were twelve packets in the box. Six of each flavor. I literally had to stop and think and when I finally cracked the code, I second guessed myself. "Wait, I have that right?" James very tactfully brought me a calculator. Didn't say a word. Just placed it down and walked away.

I was smart once. I got decent grades, went to a good school, owned my own business. But I'm getting stupider (is that a word? It didn't come up on spell check, so I guess so) by the minute. It could be that mom brain has escalated these past few weeks. But what could also be prompting the blonde moments (and for the record, I'm gradually becoming only half blonde) is the added intake of alcohol. On the plus side, alcohol wards off there's that. Cheers everyone!

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